there she goes

It's been a while, and here we meet again in the month of december 2016. there's only 1 song and will always be associated with my december. don't know why but it's like december anthem, very melancholic and bit hopeful..

where do i begin after on hiatus for more than 2 years. a break which i initially thought for days or weeks, and it became 2 years? life and routines have finally caught up with us, and blogging was no longer a must. last post featured a 9 month old sufi and she's turning 3 in a month. aaqilah is already a big 10 year old, natalia now 7 is the one who enjoys school so much.

Bila maa tetiba semangat nak test skill photography 😅😝 #wonderingaaqilah #asknatalia #wisesufi #girls

A photo posted by Hasniza Hisma (@hasnizahisma) on Nov 26, 2016 at 3:49am PST

The other day at one of the best places serves masakan noghori 😋 #dinner #nilai #masakannoghori

A photo posted by Hasniza Hisma (@hasnizahisma) on Dec 1, 2016 at 12:18am PST

i've got so many to share here but let me start all over again slowly and steadily, i hope.

bismillah, here for another journey

there'll be one more episode before the 1 hour finale on 31 March.

How I Met Your Mother is bidding adieu after the 9 year journey. hence, most of my 9 years has been spent with the himym gang on a weekly basis and 9 years is quite a long duration. from my mid twenties until now (not yet mid thirties), we live, eat and sleep with the show. wah, dasatlah haha

in my case himym came out at the right time when i wasn't really attached to any show except bleach, honey and clover, yakitate japan, just naming a few anime series that i got stuck onto during that time. by that time means i was a housewife back then. we were young parents with a baby girl and still adapting to family life adjustments. o.h was a full-time student, and boy, life was simple and quite easy.

as time passes us by, the show itself has it's own ups and downs. sometimes it's not accelerating at good pace, there's time when i just watched it because it's himym. personally for me, himym has been a very good companion and watching it every tuesday is always a joy.

"And that's how it goes kids. The friends, neighbours, drinking buddies, partners in crimes you love so much when you were young, as the years go by, you just lose touch.
You will be shocked kids, when you discover how easy it is in life to part ways with people forever. That's why when you find someone you wanna keep around, you do something about it."

probably after it ends, i'll rerun the whole season again 1-9

;(

legend - wait for it.. - dary! self-five

last week was an exam week for aaqilah. we were a bit nervous at first, and the stress level was hiking as we felt aaqilah wasn't ready for her exam. being a stressful mom (very ones) i started my ceramah  and continued blabbering whenever i felt i must to. poor aaqilah..

so a few days before the exam, we have started preparing her with her 2-3 hours per session daily regime. budak tu baru darjah 1 ok. day and night for all subjects. whenever we asked her questions, she became hesitant with her answers and then just simply replied 'i don't know'.

however during the study sessions, questions started to arise. did the learnings were so much fun back then that our parents let us be kids. has the level of education system nowadays increased, thus subjects for standard 1 now become more difficult. or is aaqilah unable to coupe during learning sessions? o.h told aaqilah that he didn't need to study when he was in standard 1-3 and getting 100% was no biggie. all i could recall is, standard 1-3 was quite easy. in order to motivate her, i told aaqilah my favorite subject was mathematics but my english was terrible. her command in english is way better than mine, even natalia speaks english better when i was around their age.

one important question, do we put high expectations on her to always perform? do I put high expectations on her?

a day after her exam finished, o.h told me aaqilah scored 98% for her bahasa melayu.wow, very encouraging. later more results came in, 89% for her maths, B for arabic (around 70++) and 84% for dunia sains. i started to worry again, as i thought if you couldn't get strong A's (90 and above) when you're in standard 1, how will you perform after this?

the answer is always yes. i guess for next year and afterwards, we'll let her being kid of her age but she must abide her responsibity as student, daughter and good muslim. what could be more satisfying than achieving very good results after hard labour?

rumours that i've heard, moms of her classmates complained that the exam was difficult. her friends didn't score either, even their kids told them that the highest score for sains is 80++. err, could it be aaqilah?

let see what her teacher is going to say next week.. jeng jeng jeng

i don't know how the thrills and excitement of blogging went kaput.
it just stopped and that's it.

until today, when i was trying to recall something that i've posted before. there i have it and all of a sudden the excitement and thrills slowly came back. the blog looks clean, all thanks to the white background. although the font looks small, thank God i still have not much problem reading them.

since the last post, i've always felt that nothing much happened and to share. the list of readings has significantly decreased over the years. i wasn't interested in things anymore, i felt that work and family life have consumed most of my energy yang tak seberapa ni. the life itself has become routine, weekend is more like a commitment and to be honest, once in a while not really looking towards it.

sometimes the small things around you make the life much more appreciated and sweeter.

hey hasniza, welcome back and let's enjoy this ride again =)

december datang lagi..

macam baru je januari rasanya, tiba-tiba dah nak masuk tahun baru. alhamdulillah sebab punya kesempatan untuk welcome tahun baru, dan juga untuk a roller coaster ride of 2012. biasalah jalan tak semestinya lurus dan cantik macam highway, ada banyak simpang, roundabout, traffic light dan sebagainya. kadang-kadang sampai jalan mati dan kena buat 3 point turn dan patah balik. oh aku dan metafora, getting better gitu haha

jadi apa kita nak cerita pasal 2012 ni. alhamdulillah =) dari awal tahun aku ada la berazam secara agak hangat-hangat taik ayam supaya lebih produktif, lebih rajin dan lebih progresif. tak nak malas-malas sangat. nak belajar something yang baru.

somehow most of my wishes were answered. kadang-kadang kita tak sedar tapi apa yang kita nak dan doa secara diam dimakbulkan. mungkin not the exact wish tapi Allah itu maha besar dan maha mengetahui. dan selalunya apa kau dapat insyaAllah baiklah untuk kau, walaupun mungkin kita tak nampak hari ni. of course aku terus doakan plan yang lebih grand dan baik dari hari ini amin..

nampaknya 2012 started dengan perasaan agak demotivated. aku sebok mencari job baru. dan seperti biasalah aku ni, string of failures, macam sinonim. aku dapat interview kat company idaman, sampai dekat 2 jam, macam ada harapan dan of course aku berharap. tapi bila takde orang call esoknya atau lusanya dan juga sepanjang minggu, aku rasa another failure ni. lepas tu bila aku check kat sistem, walaupun as expected tapi sakit jugak ooo tengok terpampang depan mata, UNSUCCESSFUL status tu. pergh, makan dalam. lepas tu aku pon pasrah dan layan je. team ok, uk counterparts pon ok, tapi aku macam searching for something yang tak diketahui.

sangat tak tersangka akan dapat panggilan about a week after birthday. aku pergi dengan tak berharap pape, dan belasah aje dalam bahasa pasarnya. who knows, rezeki tu belongs to me. started the new journey in august, dan so far banyak benda nak kena belajar. yelah dah niat nak belajar sampai pandai kan. jangan give up dan sentiasa berusaha =) gambate!!

bandung, berlin and stavanger, woww very unexpected

after a while, i tend to forget how good and reliable i could be. dah lama aku rasa aku ni full of craps dan poyo. poyo poyo poyo. lazy bum. pathetic. sedeh. ah masih belum terlambat untuk melakukan sesuatu la.

harapan 2013 kita cerita dalam entri lain la ye. yang pasti miss aaqilah akan standard 1. hari tu aku cakap kat dia, aaqilah next year aaqilah standard 1. lepas tu darjah 6. then sekolah menengah, uni, kerja and nak kahwin. aaahh sedihnya maa.. dengan tersipu-sipu tak sure dia faham ke tak dia reply, apaa la maa ni..

a long december and there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last
i can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving
oh the days go by so fast

and it's been a long december and there's reason to believe
maybe this year will be better than the last
i can't remember all the times i tried to tell myself
to hold on to these moments as they pass 

p/s: esok nak melayan counting crows la hahaha

i think i was quite comfortable and ready for this one. why not, another bundle of joy is more than welcome to what we 're having now. natalia is getting bigger and should learn the responsibility being a big sister. unlike aaqilah, she has much more exposure to kids around her age. to aaqilah it's always ok.

frankly speaking, at first i wanted one, and apparently i thought i wanted one, if you know what i mean.  when the blue line clearly showed the 2 lines, i was a bit stunned. i told o.h, we never fail at this test. however, there's one bit at the deepest part instinctively came out out of nowhere, sure you ready this time? yeah, being thankful i must welcome.

unlike the previous 2 before, i felt fine. once in a while i nearly forgot that there's a bun in the oven. but one day when i traced there's bleeding i started to panic. i left early, drove to shah alam to pickup kids and then was rushing to the clinic. unfortunately my doctor wasn't around and we went home. i prayed hard, please please please..

the next morning, i was still bleeding and after calling a day off, i went again to clinic for check. the doctor was a bit worried and she sent me to specialist for further checkup. she told me, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. God must have a better plan for me insyaAllah.

although i went to clinic since morning, it's only nearly 5pm i was driving home, alone. o.h was already informed. it's been such a tiring and overwhelming day for me. it's confirmed that i was having a miscarriage and the d&c should follow next.

***********************************************

this friday will mark a month after the procedure. i'd really thought that i was tough, however it hit me all of a sudden while in a car with o.h on our way back. i felt loss, but i believe it too, if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be..

till next time, amin..

song of these 2 days.

These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence: the connections — sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent — that happened after I was gone. And I began to see things in a way that let me hold the world without me in it. The events my death brought were merely the bones of a body that would become whole at some unpredictable time in the future. The price of what I came to see as this miraculous lifeless body had been my life.

Watched last sunday, and it took me nearly a week to blog about it.

First read about it when ryan gosling was cast as the father but later got replaced by mark wahlberg, and i could understand why. he's much more suitable than the younger gosling.

then at last year's awards, some actors got nominated.

i really wanted to watch but was feeling nervous at the same time when i knew what the movie was about. alaa sedihlah nak tengok what happened to the girl, raped and brutally murdered. so i flipped between channels, oh i was waiting for rome final between nadal and the djoker. after a while, there i was stucked in front of tv, and the lovely bones.

an adaptation from a best-selling book of 2002 (hah, amek) with the same title, no wonder this movie is much anticipated and critics was quite harsh and very demanding.

both o.h and i kept guessing where have we seen the girl before? lah, atonement.

it's either you gonna love it or hate it. for me, thanks for not emphasizing on the brutal, gruesome parts.